4 years.

And finally, it happens, I finally got through. But more than anything I feel heart ache. What will happen when I leave for boot camp? Will we still have a long lasting friendship like before? I’ll be so far away but, I don’t know. But one thing for sure, I will fight. 

Too good to be true.

I knew it was too good to be true. At least this time, it’s different. I’m happy but not at the same time. But like it was said, I need to stop expecting so much. Sometimes I wonder if it’s just me that’s fighting for this but again, it’s never one sided. I feel I’m too clingy but at the same time I feel that if i don’t reach out, he won’t either. Maybe I should just stop for now and see how it goes. I leave in 23 days and I ask myself, “why now all of a sudden? why do you make me happy now? right before I leave?” that’s harsh of you. But, one thing is for sure, at least I’ll have the memories and what lies ahead these 23 days. 

I’m. So happy.

words seriously cannot express how happy I am. 

All people have problems. Life is unfair, but it’s unfair to everyone. So, life’s fair. Everybody just needs to fight for it!

so I’m at fault

DOES THIS EVEN MAKE SENSE? Am I the one whose supposed to tell my friends “HEY IM LEAVING WE SHOULD HANG OUT!” Shouldn’t they love/care for me enough to realize I’m leaving them for a LONG TIME and they should initiate it? For my whole life, I’ve been the one to initiate everything and for once, i’d like someone to be a true friend and realize I’m leaving and tries to hang out with me before I leave. Instead people get mad at me for not asking them to hang out, I’m sick of being the one who always asks. I was going to just leave for boot, and if they realized before and asked to hang out I would be willing but if they didn’t even care to remember the date I step out of their lives then are they really my friends?

I win

this battle. Let’s see how the war goes. 

The Perfect Relationship

I’ve been having a lot of dreams lately with many different guys (some I do, and don’t know) and the dream is always about me being with them and having the perfect relationship. And there’s always an amusement park involved no clue why. I feel like these dreams are kind of in a way telling me that I’m yearning to find that perfect person, even if it does take me a while. And in those dreams, I felt like I was truly happy and in love with the person. I’ve been searching online and some people say it’s my yearning to be loved which I understand. I’m leaving for boot soon and it seems almost nobody cares. But then again, maybe it’s because I rarely have anyone to talk to or call a “friend” anymore. 

“i need to stop,” i whispered as i clicked next episode.

(Source: jbaggles)

36 Days and Dying.

36 Days until I leave for Boot Camp. Am I supposed to be happy? yes. But should I really be happy realizing that no one really loves or cares for me? Does any one realize I may never see them ever again? People may say I’m exaggerating but I’m not. The US Navy is not so lenient in letting people visit or the other way around. 2 years in Monterey, CA which is a 6 hour drive from everyone and there will never be enough time to visit. Sure, I could take the plane, but that only gives me a day since I’ll have to be home by Sunday to study. 8 Hours of one language everyday plus an estimate of 3 hours of homework. They say that take 4 years of college classes and cram it into 24-63 weeks. And, depending on my language (Asian/Arabic), I’ll be stationed somewhere even farther away(Hawaii/Georgia) for the next 6 years after that. People don’t realize I don’t have the leniency of a college student so I actually may never see any one ever again. Sure, people say “We HAVE to hang out before you leave!” but no one has kept to that promise yet. Every single day that passes by saddens me. At the end of every day I lay in bed thinking and wondering, “What’s wrong with me? Am I that bad of person?” and I start to realize that if they don’t care now, they never did and they’ll just forget about me when I leave. People probably won’t even write to me or try to keep in contact. It’s hard, and it hurts, but I guess that’s just how it as to be.